These are the very same lawn bowls used in the Foreign Oscar-considered film, Crazy Monkey presents: Straight Outta Benoni.

They also happen to be available to anyone in Joburg.

As you can see, they’re sprayed-up like one of Tommy Lee’s muscle cars, so you’ll definitely be bowling with confidence. But unlike Tommy’s rides, these balls are STD-free.

bowls-sob

Whiter than Bill Gates.

If someone can give me a reason why they should have them, or can offer a clever distribution method, then let me know. Alternatively, tell me if there’s a charity for kids who need pimped-out lawn bowls, or a fetish group for people who crave asymmetric balls.

You might even find that this movie memorabilia can net you up to fifty bucks from Planet Hollywood. So send on the suggestions and tell your weird collector friends, I’d like to give them a good home.     (The bowls, not your friends.)

If no suggestions work, then I’ll be sending out GPS co-ordinates via Twitter at a later date, and you can hunt them down yourselves. Or you can just stay at home playing World of Warcraft with Cheese Curl-stained fingers. It’s your call, make the right decision.

UPDATE:

It looks like the bowls are being awarded to the Camps Bay Bowls Club (Cape Town), where they will receive pride of place in a trophy cabinet, probably near the pub area. Camps Bay, a fitting home for these prize-winning sportballs.

(And here they are featured on the Skull-a-Day website.)